How Much Are Your Attendees Really Getting From One Another?

We rarely assess the quality of the relationships people build at events.

We count registrations. We track attendance. We measure satisfaction and NPS. We ask whether people made connections.

So, if connecting is one of the biggest reasons people attend events in the first place, shouldn't the quality of the relationships they build with one another be one of the top things we care about?

And if they matter that much, why leave them to chance?

I love attending events and watching what happens between people (obviously, with the work I do!). I was recently at an event that drew a decent crowd. From the outside, it looked successful. The room was loud. People were chatting. They were smiling. It felt lively.

It would have been easy to look around and say: People are connecting.

And they were.

But there is a difference between people interacting and people building great relationships. Once you learn to see it, it's hard to ignore.

Kindness can look a lot like connection

Most people are kind.

Put strangers together and they will generally try their best. They'll smile. They'll introduce themselves. They'll ask what the other person does. They'll listen politely and find something to say in return.

From across the room, that can look like a successful networking event.

But look closer and you will see a difference between kindness and magnetism.

When people genuinely find one another, their physical behavior changes. They lean in. Questions lead to more questions. The rest of the room starts disappearing as they get absorbed in their conversation.

Sometimes the conversation becomes a heart-to-heart. Sometimes they discover an unexpected shared interest or experience. Sometimes they become mischievous together. They laugh. There is an excitement in having found one another.

And perhaps most tellingly, they don't really want the conversation to end.

I've watched sessions finish while people simply keep talking. They go to the bar together. They make dinner plans. They find each other the next morning. Sometimes they leave with a hug.

They're not hanging out together because there's no better alternative. They are genuinely excited to have found each other.

That's different from two kind people having a pleasant conversation and eventually saying, “It was great meeting you.”

Both are positive interactions. But they haven't created the same quality of relationship.

We ask a lot of people when we ask them to network

The trouble is that getting from networking to building great relationships isn't easy.

Think about what we're asking someone to do when they walk into a networking reception.

They arrive and scan the room: everyone already seems to be talking to someone. Do they walk up to a group? Or do they look for a spot like the breakfast line or the bar where being alone is acceptable? How do you enter a conversation that's already happening without interrupting it?

Or perhaps they spot someone else standing alone. Now one of them has to make the first move, while both of them are acutely aware of why they're standing there alone.

They get through the introduction. Then comes the next challenge: what do they talk about?

So they fall back on the questions we know.

There is nothing wrong with these questions. They're useful entry points.

The difficulty is figuring out where to go from there.

They need to find something interesting to talk about. Ask questions without making it feel like an interview. Share enough about themselves without taking over the conversation. Notice whether the other person wants to keep talking. Listen well. Find common ground.

And, the hardest part: somehow move the conversation beyond that superficial small talk.

Some people are naturally very good at this. Many aren't.

Some people struggle to know what to say. Others can happily tell you everything about themselves but rarely create enough space for others to do the same. Some of them are excellent conversationalists with people they already know and completely different when standing in a room full of strangers.

And yet we often treat all of these abilities as prerequisites for attending an event.

Put two fascinating people beside each other and they can still have a boring conversation.

Everyone has fascinating stories, experiences, expertise, and perspectives that could make for incredible conversations.

Interesting people aren't rare. I believe we're surrounded by them.

But what's rare is having the right conversation that unlocks that side of them.

Networking is usually a slot on the agenda

Most events say relationships matter. But look at how we design for them.

We put “Networking” on the agenda. We create the time, put people in the same room, perhaps give them a drink to smooth out their nerves — and largely leave the difficult part to them.

We've designed the opportunity to interact. We haven't necessarily designed for relationships.

This is the distinction I make with relational design.

Relational design asks: What do we want people to become to one another — and what would make getting there easier?

Relational design doesn’t mean scripting every conversation

I've spent the past decade studying and facilitating peer relationships, and one of the most important things I've learned is that we don't need to control every interaction to dramatically improve what happens between people.

We need to understand where the friction is and intentionally reduce it.

Relational design happens step by step. At the beginning of an event, it might simply mean making it easier to enter the room and meet the first person. It can mean establishing trust early, so people feel more comfortable with one another as the event progresses.

Or it can mean naming the elephant in the room. Walking up to a closed circle of strangers is awkward. Rather than pretending otherwise, what if we named these friction points and gave everyone simple ways to make them easier to handle? What if we helped conversations move naturally beyond small talk, rather than expecting attendees to figure it out on their own?

As the event progresses, we can create opportunities for people to discover meaningful things they have in common, share something that's been on their mind, or help one another think.

As barriers get removed, engagement starts happening more naturally, and more enthusiastically. People stop having their bandwidth consumed by the typical stress of connecting. They start showing up more freely, authentically, and conversations develop their own momentum.

The people on their phones are telling us something too

It's common to walk through an event and find people everywhere on their phones. Some genuinely need to answer emails, particularly during multi-day events when the outside world doesn't stop.

But when I've had honest conversations with attendees about why they've retreated to their screens, I've often heard something else. Events are exhausting. Approaching people is especially draining and awkward. Everyone already seems to know one another. Or previous conversations have stayed at such a surface level that trying again doesn't feel particularly valuable.

The phone gives them somewhere comfortable to go when engaging with others feels hard.

I don't see that simply as an attendee problem.

I see it as a design signal.

Why great relationships unleash the extraordinary

Event organizers have already done the difficult and expensive part: they've assembled the people.

Hundreds or thousands of different lives, careers, and areas of expertise are now sharing the same physical space. There are people in that room who could become collaborators, customers, mentors, or friends.

But first, they have to meet each other well.

Why? Because a great conversation becomes dinner that evening. Dinner becomes a friendship that lasts for years. Someone you meet between sessions can become a future collaborator, a customer, a sounding board, or the person you look forward to seeing again at the same event next year.

Meeting well is the starting point for all of it.

This is why I believe the quality of the relationships we create deserves far more attention in how we design events. We're not just trying to make networking less awkward or give people a better conversation for twenty minutes.

We're creating the starting points for relationships that can matter long after the event is over and enhance the overall attendee experience.